Be of Good Cheer
An actor was explaining his act to his agent.
Actor: "My act is different. I can fly."
Then he took off, circled the room a couple of times, and made a perfect landing.
Agent: "So, you can imitate birds, what else can you do?"
An ambitious actress was bragging about her ideas regarding using props.
Actress: "I insist on using real liquor in a drinking scene"
Producer: "All right. If that's the case, you must let me use real poison in the murder scene which you are portraying."
A bartender who had no money offered a lawyer several bottles of liquor if he would handle his case. The lawyer counted the bottles, shook his head and told the bartender: "Only 8 bottles of Scotch, I can't make a case out of that."
(Hint: He wanted 12 or a whole case.)
Sign over a bar: OUR MARTINIS ARE SO DRY THEY'RE DUSTY!
Joe: "I'll never forget the greatest salesman I've ever met."
Rick: "What did he do?"
Joe: "Well, he sold two milking machines to a farmer with one cow, and then he took the cow as a down payment."
Customer in a bar: "I'm drinking to forget."
Bartender: "In that case, please pay in advance."
Boss: "This is the end. You are fired.
Employee: "Fired? I always thought that slaves were sold."
Two salesman were chatting inside the lobby. One said to the other, "When someone builds a better mousetrap the world will beat a path to his door."
The other replied, "Bunk, when someone builds a better mousetrap some rat will steal it."
Mary was visiting the zoo with his dad Clarence.
Mary: "What would happen Dad if a lion got loose?"
Clarence: "Don't worry, I will protect you."
Mary: "But Dad, just in case the lion eats you up, what bus do I take to go home?"
Two soldiers met at the door of a psychiatrist's office. One said to the other, "Are you coming or going?" The other replied, "If I knew, I would not be here."
The hunter from the South paid top dollar for his guide from up North. At the end of the day, they found no moose, and it was obvious they were lost.
"You are suppose to be the best guide in Montana," the hunter fumed.
"Yep," the guide replied; "But I think we are now in Canada."
A young couple were looking to buy their first home.
"It may not work for us yet, we have a limited budget," the woman told the realtor candidly.
"Well, just tell me what price you think you can afford, then we'll enjoy the laugh, and then get down to serious business."
Have you heard about the new short form income tax return from the IRS?
1) How much money do you earn?
2)Send it to us.
Little Tony asked his mother to sing the song "Wewechoo" with him.
"I don't know that song," the mother replied.
Then Tony insisted; "Yes you do, sing along with me."
"Wewechoo, a Merry Christmas, wewechoo, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."
A stingy Dad bought a set of batteries for his son on Christmas with a note; "Toys not included."
A billboard outside the church read: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."
A Dad was complaining: "I gave my son a BB gun, and in turn he gave me a T-shirt with a bulls-eye on the back."
Bobby called his dentist for an appointment because of an abscessed tooth which was hurting real bad.
"We can see you in a couple of weeks", suggested the receptionist.
"I might die of pain by then!" Bobby complained.
"Well, if that happens simply arrange for someone to call me and cancel the appointment", came the reply.
Teacher: "What can you tell us about the climate in Greenland?"
Student: "It's so cold there that the inhabitants have to live in other countries."
Client: "I spend hours every day in front of a mirror admiring my beauty. Does that indicate I have a problem with vanity?"
Psychiatrist: "Could be that, or perhaps you have a bizarre imagination."
Everyone knows that Orlando Bingo Halls are run by Catholics. Allegations were recently made that they were calling out the numbers in Latin to keep the Protestants from winning.
There was a long-winded minister who preached from Genesis to Revelation in every sermon. One day, after having covered almost the whole Bible he said: "Now we have come to Isaiah; what will we do with him?" One old lady said, "He can have my seat brother, I'm leaving."
One time Phil and Oscar where talking about their churches. Phil said, "You know we are firing our Pastor." Surprised, Oscar asked why. Phil said, "For two reasons. First he has a poor delivery, and second he has nothing to deliver."
A cannibal complained about a stomach ache after eating a Franciscan missionary. "How did you cook him?" his friend asked. "I boiled him," came the reply. "That was your mistake. You never boil Franciscans, they are friars," his friend emphasized.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Two deacons were having a social drink at a bar when they saw their Pastor go by. One of them got worried and said: "I hope he did not see us."
"Why?" the other deacon inquired. "God knows we are here."
"I know," said the first deacon, "but God won't tell my wife."
The Pastor was delivering a rather long and dry sermon, and there was some restlessness in the congregation.
The Pastor was quickly brought back to earth when a small boy in the front pew lamented in a shrill voice: "Mommy, are you sure this is the only way we can get to heaven?"
Grand Coulee!" the pastor screamed as he stubbed his knee by accident.
"Grand Coulee, what do you mean?" a parishioner asked.
"Grand Coulee, isn't that the largest dam in this country?"
The Preacher pontificated, "Everything God made is perfect." A hunchback rose from the back of the church saying, "What about me?"
"Why," said the Preacher, "You are the most perfect hunchback I ever saw."
Pastor: "Why did you stop coming to church?"
Kevin: "For three reasons. First, I don't like your theology. Second, I don't like your singing. And third, it was in this church thatfirs It met my wife."
A zealous preacher told his congregation that there were about 500 different kinds of sins. The following week he was inundated with text messages and phone calls from people who wanted the list. They didn't want to miss anything.
What vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden? Answer: Squash
Bella: "Why does your Dad work at the bakery?
Sheila: "Because he needs the dough."
George: "What do you do for a living?"
Bill: "I work with figures."
George: "You must be an accountant."
Bill: "No. I'm a Fitness instructor and personal trainer in a gym.
Pastor: "There will be weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world."
Parishioner: "What about those who have no teeth?"
Pastor: "Teeth will be provided."
Knock, knock!!! Who's there??? Zeke. Zeke who??? Zeke and ye shall find.
A minister on vacation was reading his hometown newspapaer and found his own obituary. Stunned and angry he called the editor.
"I'm calling long distance about the report of my death in your newspaper."
"Yes, sir," came the reply. "And from where are you calling sir?"
A frustrated father vented, "When I was a teenager and got in trouble, I was sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own TV, smart phone, laptop and CD player in his room."
"So what do you do to him?" asked his friend.
"I send him to my room!" exclaimed the father.
A zoo manager brought 4 boys to the judge for causing some commotion in the area. The judge looked at the boys sternly and said:
"Ok boys, tell me your names and what you did wrong."
"My name is Louie," said the first boy, " and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Oscar," said the second boy, " and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Joe," said the third boy, " and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
The Pope died. So the Cardinals met to elect a new Pope. The most popular among the candidates was Cardinal Giovanni Sicola. He was then asked if he would accept the nomination. But he declined.
They asked him why? With deep emotion he replied: "Because then I will be known as Pope Sicola. It would be a shame to associate my name with Pepsicola."
And the Cardinals agreed.
Someone said that perfection is when a lady finds what she wants on the first dive into her handbag.
Rudy said to his buddy: "The other day I went into a store to buy a suit. I told the salesman I wanted to see something cheap, and he told me to look into the mirror."
A charming lady boarded the bus after the lights had gone out.
A tall man standing near her asked if he could help her find an overhead safety strap.
"Thank you, I have already found one," she replied.
"Then I wonder if you would mind letting go of my necktie," the tall man pleaded.
Sally: "Did you ask the boss for a raise?
Gabriella: "Yes, and he was a perfect lamb, just as I had expected."
Sally: "Really, and what did he say?"
Gabriella: "He said: 'Baaah!'"
Did you hear about the man who dreamed he ate a five pound marshmallow? When he woke up, his pillow was all gone.
One time a Pastor was speaking about the advantages and beauty of marriage in a conference workshop.
Suddenly, a woman heckler shouted: "If I was your wife, I'd put poison in your tea."
But the Pastor replied: "Woman, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
Oscar was a Baptist who later became a Catholic. One day he was bothered by his conscience so he decided to go to confession. The conversation went this way.
Priest: "So what have you done my son?"
Oscar: "I stole some lumber Father."
Priest: "Well, how much lumber did you steal?"
Oscar: "Just enough to build a dog house."
Priest: "That's not too bad."
Oscar: "But I forgot to tell you Father, in addition to the dog house, I was also able to build a two car garage."
Priest: "Well that's getting to be a serious sin, my son."
Oscar: "But Father, I really want to make a good confession. So I must tell you, in addition to the dog house and the two car garage, I was also able to build a four bedroom house!"
Priest: "My goodness my son, that's a serious sin! For your penance I may have to ask you to make a novena."
Oscar: "What! Make a novena Father? I don't know what a novena is, but if your have the blueprint, I have enough lumber to build it."
Mother: "Why did you fall in the mud puddle with your dress on?"
Daughter: "There wasn't time to take it off."
Anna: "I'm in love with a boy in my class, and I'm going to marry him."
Mother: "Great! Does he have a job?"
Anna: "I think so. He erases the blackboard for our class."
Monica: "What's important to you when looking for a partner in life? Brains, wealth, or appearance?
Shirley: "Appearance of course. The sooner he shows up in my life, the better!"
Cindy: "Does Tony ever intend to get married?"
Shirley: "No! He's studying for his bachelor's degree."