Be of Good Cheer
Professor: "What could be more sad that a man without a country?"
Girl: "A Country without a man."
Saleslady in a hat shop: "That's a sweet hat, it makes you look ten years younger."
Customer: "I don't want it. I can't afford to put on ten years every time I take the hat off."
"Did you tell the photographer you didn't want your picture taken?"
"Yes, I did."
"Was he offended?"
"No, he said he couldn't blame me."
A beggar asked for fifty cents for a cup of coffee.
A businessman gave him fifty cents, then stopped short and said, "But I thought coffee was only a quarter."
"It is," said the beggar, "but I have a date."
Did you hear about the preacher who complained that he worked himself to death for Heaven's sake?
Sign in front of a church: In Business Since Year One
A violent thunderstorm was swaying the jumbo jet around the sky.
One nervous passenger sitting next to a Pastor turned to him for comfort.
"Can't you do something?" she pleaded.
"I'm sorry ma'am," said the Pastor, "I'm in sales not management."
"Are mosquitoes religious?"
"Yes, they first sing over you and then they prey on you."
A Pastor gave a beautiful sermon about about the reality that God's salvation is truly free, that it is a free gift from God. Then he announced to the ushers to start the collection. At that point a man at the back said: "Pastor, if salvation is free, why do we have a collection?"
The Pastor smiled and said: "My son, salvation is free, but when we pipe it to you, you have to pay for the piping."
Pastor: "What do we learn from the story of Eutyches, the young man, who listening to the preaching of St. Paul fell asleep and fell out of the window to this death?"
Parishioner: "Ministers should learn not to preach too long sermons."
What is the difference between a Southern Baptist and a Northern Baptist?
A Southern Baptist says, "There ain't no hell."
A Northern Baptist says, "The hell there ain't."
Patient: "Doc, I need to be tested because I notice a deterioration in my short-term memory."
Doctor: "I understand. So now, you will have to pay in advance."
Jeff: "Dad, you know how you have been telling me not to play with your fishing rod in the backyard because you are worried I might break it?"
Dad: "Well, yes ...?"
Jeff: "Well, now there's no need to worry about that anymore."
Julie: "Mommy, Oscar just broke the bedroom window!"
Mom: "Oh, no! How did that happen?"
Julie: "I threw a shoe at him, and he docked."
Patient: "So how do my teeth check out?"
Dentist: "Oh, they are lovely. But we are going to have to remove some gums though."
A man came home from the doctor's office, and his wife asked how he had checked out.
"Well," the man said grumbling. "He told me I'm either 40 pounds too heavy, or 4 inches too short."
A chunky young man stepped on a weight pay scale and dropped a dime.
He was not amused when the machine registered this message: "ONE CUSTOMER ONLY AT A TIME."
A panhandler approached a woman on the street saying, "Ma'am, I haven't had a meal in 3 days, and ..." The woman interrupted blurting out, "That is what I call willpower."
The first luxurious spaceship to the moon was launched with the excited passengers enjoying their experience of weightlessness. A polite and comforting message was heard in the intercom saying:
"Welcome aboard the Lunar Limo, ladies and gentlemen. This limo is a multi-billion dollar, state of the art vehicle, therefore nothing can go wrong with this spacecraft. As you all know this vehicle is totally run by computers with no human crew to avoid any human error, any human error, any human error, any human . . . ."
A group of professors were sharing experiences about their dreams during a lunch break. The oldest in the group said: "I dreamed the other day that I was lecturing a philosophy class. Then I woke up and discovered that I was lecturing a philosophy class."
A smart farm boy announced to his old dad: "I have decided to go to medical school and study anesthesiology."
"I wouldn't do it if I were you, boy," the father replied. "By the time you graduate, they'll have a cure for it."
Doctor: "I'm afraid your are going to have to give up every form of dessert. You are simply overweight, and that's the best advice I can give you."
Patient: "And what is your second best advice?"
Doctor: "You are extremely ill. Why did you not come to see me yesterday?"
Patient: "Well, I wanted to give myself a chance to get well first."
"We were so poor when I was growing up", complained old Oscar ... "I did not get to celebrate my 6th birthday until I was 18."
A tax consultant was so brilliant that his clients lobbied to have a loophole named after him.
On the first day of class, a brash young college boys asked a pretty girl seated next to him for her phone number.
"It's in the phone book," she told him.
"Under what name?" he pressed on.
"That's in the book too," she replied.
Two prisoners were chatting. "What are you here for?" asked one.
"Stealing a truckload of cement."
"They caught you red-handed?"
"Yeah, the evidence was pretty concrete."
Farmer Jones: "Well, I reckon my boy's home from college."
Framer Bill: "Whaddya mean, you reckon? Don't you know?"
Farmer Jones: "All we know is we haven't heard from him in the last three days, and the car's gone."
Judge: "Don't you want a lawyer to represent you?"
Defendant: "No, I have decided to tell the truth."
Waitress: "And how did you find your sautéed shrimp tonight?"
Diner: "Quite by accident. I finished the last of the veggies and discovered all three shrimp had been right there the whole time."
Prosecutor: "How far away from the scene of the crime were you when you heard the first shot?"
Witness: "About 25 feet."
Prosecutor: "And how far away were you when the second shot was fried?"
Witness: "About 300 yards."
A policeman was interrogating two suspects. "Where do you live?" he asked the first one.
"I have no permanent address," he answered.
"What about you?" the policeman asked the second suspect.
"Next door to him," he replied.
Diner: "Are you sure this is blueberry pie? It tastes like cardboard."
Waiter: "Yup, that would be blueberry. The strawberry pie would taste like adhesive tape."
What happens when you don't pay the exorcist?
You get re-possessed!!!
Four Catholic mothers were having tea talking about their sons.
First mother: "My son is a priest and when he enters a room they all greet him with 'Good morning Father.'"
Second mother: "My son is a monsignor and we he enters a room they all greet him with 'Good morning Monsignor.'"
Third mother: "My son is a bishop and when he enters a room, they all stand up and greet him with 'Good morning your Excellency.'"
Fourth mother: "My son is 6 feet, 9 inches tall, weighing 300 pounds. When he enters a room they all look up and exclaim 'Oh, my God.'"
My dad believed in meditation. So he used to tell me, "Sit down and shut up."
The old impatient man got tired of siting in the waiting room to see the doctor. Finally, he told the nurse, "I guess I'll just go home and die a natural death."
Three friends died in a crash and found themselves at the gates of heaven. So they asked each other what they would like others to say while they were lying in their caskets.
The first guy said, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a family man.
The second guy said: "I would like them to say that I was a great teacher who influenced children in a positive way.
The third guy said: "I would like to hear them say in a loud voice ... LOOK! HE'S MOVING."
Nurse to the first father: "It's twins!
First father: "What a coincidence, I play for the Minnesota Twins."
Nurse to the second father: "You have triplets!"
Second Father: "Can't believe it, I work for 3M Company"
Nurse about to announce to the third father when she was interrupted.
Third father: "Wait a minute, I'm getting out of here. I work for 7-Up!"
A little lad playing at the beach grab his dad's hand and showed him a dead seagull.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the lad asked.
"He died and went to heaven," the dad answered.
The lad thought for a moment and said: "Did God throw him back down?"
When school resumed after several days of snow, the teacher asked a seven year old student if he had used the time off constructively.
"Yes," the student replied. "I prayed for more snow every single day."
Billy: "My life is so miserable."
Alfred: "But why?"
Billy: "Because the woman I love refused my marriage proposal."
Alfred: "Don't worry, sometimes a woman's NO means YES."
Billy: "Really? The thing is that she didn't say NO, she said PHOOEY."
There was a sign on a Baptist church billboard that read: "Jesus Saves."
But a clever grocery store just across the street had a sign that read: "We save you more."
After mass, a little boy told the Pastor, "When I grow up I'm going to give you some money."
"Thank you," the Pastor replied, "but why?"
The boy smiled and said, "Because my dad said that you are one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her two sons Max, 4, and Joey, 3. The boys started arguing about who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw an opportune time to teach them a moral lesson, so she said: "If Jesus was sitting here, he would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."'
At this point Max turned to his younger brother and said, "Joey, you can be Jesus."
One time the Women’s Club had a conference and invited a speaker. But she spoke in a monotonous, boring, long winded way. So one by one the attendees left the room; except for the MC and an attractive woman. After her speech, the speaker approached the attractive woman saying: “Thank you for staying.” The woman looked at her and said: “Don’t thank me, I stayed, because I am the next speaker.”
Try this on your friends. Ask them this poetic puzzle:
"What is the beginning of eternity and the end of time; the beginning of the end, and the end of every place?"
Think about it first, then check the answer at the end of the last joke.
A little girl went to a pet shop to buy some dog food and plastic bowl.
"Would you like to have your dog's name on the bowl?" asked the sales clerk.
"No, thanks. She can't read," muttered the little girl.
Joe: "I come from a musical family."
Oscar: "Really? Tell me."
Joe: "My dad drums his fingers, Aunt Molly blows her nose, and Grandpa fiddles his mustache."
Wendy: "Why does your father go to work at the bakery?"
Sarah: "He kneads the dough."
A mother and father were paying bills one afternoon.
"Rent, gasoline, groceries, electricity ... everything is going up!" exclaimed the father.
"I know," the mother agreed. "Nothing ever goes down."
"Maybe not," their son exclaimed, walking into the room with his report card.
(Answer to the poetic puzzle: The letter "E".)
The preacher asked his tipsy parishioner, "Bob, whisky is your worst enemy."
Bob replied, "But you told us last Sunday that we should love our enemies."
The preacher reminded him, "Sure, but I did not say anything about swallowing them."
A Pastor once said that many want to serve God, but only as advisers.
A Deacon once said that the 3 times most parishioners come to church is when they are "hatched, matched, and dispatched."
A Pastor and a bus driver made it to heaven and were assigned their quarters. The Pastor got a run down shack while the bus driver got a nice house.
So the Pastor complained to St. Peter saying, "While on earth I preached to hundreds people and tried to obey the 10 commandments. What did the bus driver do to deserve a better home?
St. Peter replied, "During your sermons, most of the congregation slept, but when the bus driver drove his bus, everybody prayed."
Jewish boy in grade school was listening to his teacher declare: "The Lord our God is one." Somewhat curious the little boy asked the teacher; "When will he be two?"
Two young priests were talking about how frugal their Pastor was because he always goes around turning out lights.
One priest said to the other: "When he dies, if he sees the light at the end of the tunnel, he'll put it out."
Parishioner: "Pastor, I am having a hard time. My business is down, my rent is up, and I have so many bills to pay. What should I do?"
Pastor: "Well try this. Go home, open your bible, put your finger down on the page. God will give you the answer."
A month later the Pastor saw the same parishioner smiling and jubilant.
Pastor: "You look so happy, what happened?"
Parishioner: "Well, I followed your advice. I opened my bible, put my finger down on the page, and there was the answer ... Chapter 11."
Helen: "Why do you prefer to seat in the last seat in the classroom?"
Sally: "Because sitting there I get the last chance at a question. By then it's almost impossible to guess wrong."
New comer: "Is Jim a good salesman?"
Old timer: "Good salesman! Hah! The only orders he ever takes are from his wife."
Going down a steep down hill road in San Francisco ...
Student driver: "I can't stop, my brakes aren't working. What shall I do?"
Driving instructor: "Don't panic. Brace yourself and try to hit something cheap."
An actor was explaining his act to his agent.
Actor: "My act is different. I can fly."
Then he took off, circled the room a couple of times, and made a perfect landing.
Agent: "So, you can imitate birds, what else can you do?"
An ambitious actress was bragging about her ideas regarding using props.
Actress: "I insist on using real liquor in a drinking scene"
Producer: "All right. If that's the case, you must let me use real poison in the murder scene which you are portraying."
A bartender who had no money offered a lawyer several bottles of liquor if he would handle his case. The lawyer counted the bottles, shook his head and told the bartender: "Only 8 bottles of Scotch, I can't make a case out of that."
(Hint: He wanted 12 or a whole case.)
Sign over a bar: OUR MARTINIS ARE SO DRY THEY'RE DUSTY!
Joe: "I'll never forget the greatest salesman I've ever met."
Rick: "What did he do?"
Joe: "Well, he sold two milking machines to a farmer with one cow, and then he took the cow as a down payment."
Customer in a bar: "I'm drinking to forget."
Bartender: "In that case, please pay in advance."
Boss: "This is the end. You are fired.
Employee: "Fired? I always thought that slaves were sold."
Two salesman were chatting inside the lobby. One said to the other, "When someone builds a better mousetrap the world will beat a path to his door."
The other replied, "Bunk, when someone builds a better mousetrap some rat will steal it."
Mary was visiting the zoo with his dad Clarence.
Mary: "What would happen Dad if a lion got loose?"
Clarence: "Don't worry, I will protect you."
Mary: "But Dad, just in case the lion eats you up, what bus do I take to go home?"
Two soldiers met at the door of a psychiatrist's office. One said to the other, "Are you coming or going?" The other replied, "If I knew, I would not be here."
The hunter from the South paid top dollar for his guide from up North. At the end of the day, they found no moose, and it was obvious they were lost.
"You are suppose to be the best guide in Montana," the hunter fumed.
"Yep," the guide replied; "But I think we are now in Canada."
A young couple were looking to buy their first home.
"It may not work for us yet, we have a limited budget," the woman told the realtor candidly.
"Well, just tell me what price you think you can afford, then we'll enjoy the laugh, and then get down to serious business."
Have you heard about the new short form income tax return from the IRS?
1) How much money do you earn?
2)Send it to us.
Little Tony asked his mother to sing the song "Wewechoo" with him.
"I don't know that song," the mother replied.
Then Tony insisted; "Yes you do, sing along with me."
"Wewechoo, a Merry Christmas, wewechoo, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."
A stingy Dad bought a set of batteries for his son on Christmas with a note; "Toys not included."
A billboard outside the church read: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."
A Dad was complaining: "I gave my son a BB gun, and in turn he gave me a T-shirt with a bulls-eye on the back."
Bobby called his dentist for an appointment because of an abscessed tooth which was hurting real bad.
"We can see you in a couple of weeks", suggested the receptionist.
"I might die of pain by then!" Bobby complained.
"Well, if that happens simply arrange for someone to call me and cancel the appointment", came the reply.
Teacher: "What can you tell us about the climate in Greenland?"
Student: "It's so cold there that the inhabitants have to live in other countries."
Client: "I spend hours every day in front of a mirror admiring my beauty. Does that indicate I have a problem with vanity?"
Psychiatrist: "Could be that, or perhaps you have a bizarre imagination."
Everyone knows that Orlando Bingo Halls are run by Catholics. Allegations were recently made that they were calling out the numbers in Latin to keep the Protestants from winning.
There was a long-winded minister who preached from Genesis to Revelation in every sermon. One day, after having covered almost the whole Bible he said: "Now we have come to Isaiah; what will we do with him?" One old lady said, "He can have my seat brother, I'm leaving."
One time Phil and Oscar where talking about their churches. Phil said, "You know we are firing our Pastor." Surprised, Oscar asked why. Phil said, "For two reasons. First he has a poor delivery, and second he has nothing to deliver."
A cannibal complained about a stomach ache after eating a Franciscan missionary. "How did you cook him?" his friend asked. "I boiled him," came the reply. "That was your mistake. You never boil Franciscans, they are friars," his friend emphasized.
Two deacons were having a social drink at a bar when they saw their Pastor go by. One of them got worried and said: "I hope he did not see us."
"Why?" the other deacon inquired. "God knows we are here."
"I know," said the first deacon, "but God won't tell my wife."
The Pastor was delivering a rather long and dry sermon, and there was some restlessness in the congregation.
The Pastor was quickly brought back to earth when a small boy in the front pew lamented in a shrill voice: "Mommy, are you sure this is the only way we can get to heaven?"
Grand Coulee!" the pastor screamed as he stubbed his knee by accident.
"Grand Coulee, what do you mean?" a parishioner asked.
"Grand Coulee, isn't that the largest dam in this country?"
The Preacher pontificated, "Everything God made is perfect." A hunchback rose from the back of the church saying, "What about me?"
"Why," said the Preacher, "You are the most perfect hunchback I ever saw."
Pastor: "Why did you stop coming to church?"
Kevin: "For three reasons. First, I don't like your theology. Second, I don't like your singing. And third, it was in this church thatfirs It met my wife."
A zealous preacher told his congregation that there were about 500 different kinds of sins. The following week he was inundated with text messages and phone calls from people who wanted the list. They didn't want to miss anything.
What vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden? Answer: Squash
Bella: "Why does your Dad work at the bakery?
Sheila: "Because he needs the dough."
George: "What do you do for a living?"
Bill: "I work with figures."
George: "You must be an accountant."
Bill: "No. I'm a Fitness instructor and personal trainer in a gym.
Pastor: "There will be weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world."
Parishioner: "What about those who have no teeth?"
Pastor: "Teeth will be provided."
Knock, knock!!! Who's there??? Zeke. Zeke who??? Zeke and ye shall find.
A minister on vacation was reading his hometown newspapaer and found his own obituary. Stunned and angry he called the editor.
"I'm calling long distance about the report of my death in your newspaper."
"Yes, sir," came the reply. "And from where are you calling sir?"
A frustrated father vented, "When I was a teenager and got in trouble, I was sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own TV, smart phone, laptop and CD player in his room."
"So what do you do to him?" asked his friend.
"I send him to my room!" exclaimed the father.
A zoo manager brought 4 boys to the judge for causing some commotion in the area. The judge looked at the boys sternly and said:
"Ok boys, tell me your names and what you did wrong."
"My name is Louie," said the first boy, " and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Oscar," said the second boy, " and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Joe," said the third boy, " and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
The Pope died. So the Cardinals met to elect a new Pope. The most popular among the candidates was Cardinal Giovanni Sicola. He was then asked if he would accept the nomination. But he declined.
They asked him why? With deep emotion he replied: "Because then I will be known as Pope Sicola. It would be a shame to associate my name with Pepsicola."
And the Cardinals agreed.
Someone said that perfection is when a lady finds what she wants on the first dive into her handbag.
Rudy said to his buddy: "The other day I went into a store to buy a suit. I told the salesman I wanted to see something cheap, and he told me to look into the mirror."
A charming lady boarded the bus after the lights had gone out.
A tall man standing near her asked if he could help her find an overhead safety strap.
"Thank you, I have already found one," she replied.
"Then I wonder if you would mind letting go of my necktie," the tall man pleaded.
Sally: "Did you ask the boss for a raise?
Gabriella: "Yes, and he was a perfect lamb, just as I had expected."
Sally: "Really, and what did he say?"
Gabriella: "He said: 'Baaah!'"
Did you hear about the man who dreamed he ate a five pound marshmallow? When he woke up, his pillow was all gone.
One time a Pastor was speaking about the advantages and beauty of marriage in a conference workshop.
Suddenly, a woman heckler shouted: "If I was your wife, I'd put poison in your tea."
But the Pastor replied: "Woman, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
Oscar was a Baptist who later became a Catholic. One day he was bothered by his conscience so he decided to go to confession. The conversation went this way.
Priest: "So what have you done my son?"
Oscar: "I stole some lumber Father."
Priest: "Well, how much lumber did you steal?"
Oscar: "Just enough to build a dog house."
Priest: "That's not too bad."
Oscar: "But I forgot to tell you Father, in addition to the dog house, I was also able to build a two car garage."
Priest: "Well that's getting to be a serious sin, my son."
Oscar: "But Father, I really want to make a good confession. So I must tell you, in addition to the dog house and the two car garage, I was also able to build a four bedroom house!"
Priest: "My goodness my son, that's a serious sin! For your penance I may have to ask you to make a novena."
Oscar: "What! Make a novena Father? I don't know what a novena is, but if your have the blueprint, I have enough lumber to build it."
Mother: "Why did you fall in the mud puddle with your dress on?"
Daughter: "There wasn't time to take it off."
Anna: "I'm in love with a boy in my class, and I'm going to marry him."
Mother: "Great! Does he have a job?"
Anna: "I think so. He erases the blackboard for our class."
Monica: "What's important to you when looking for a partner in life? Brains, wealth, or appearance?
Shirley: "Appearance of course. The sooner he shows up in my life, the better!"
Cindy: "Does Tony ever intend to get married?"
Shirley: "No! He's studying for his bachelor's degree."